choices depressing

HAY-LO!!! :)

9:52 AMApril Vaughan

I need to get in the habit of posting daily or at least weekly. I thought about possibly just using my livejournal.com since I dont want all my post on here to be public. I need to figure out if I can make private post on here. I know livejournal.com I can make certain ones public, private, or just let my friends or certain people see. Oh well Ill get the hang of it soon. Till then if I feel the need to write something I would rather the world not see then Ill just do it on livejournal or facebook notes.




Whats new??? Well not much is going right now. Josh & I are doing terrific!!! Alot better than I thought we would. We havent really had any arguments. The ones we have had arent the knock out drag out ones like we used to have. Is that because we have both matured or is it because we dont care as much as we used to? I know on my part I care even more. I know now what I have to lose. I dont want to ever spend another day with out my family. I dont want to wake up with out Josh on the other side of me. I dont want to miss my kids first day of a new school year. I missed Cams first steps and him learning how to walk. I missed him saying his first words. I missed Coltons birthday. I wont be able to forget that for a long time. And, I know he wont either. When everyone is asleep or gone and its just Colton and I hanging out... He will say almost everything time. Momma its like it used to be. Me and you, caden at school or asleep and daddy at work. It used to always be me and my ColtMan! That little boy was only 4 years old going to almost every single doctors appointment with me when I was pregnant with Cameron. I went once a week till I was 6 months pregnant. Then twice a week after that. And the last couple weeks of my pregnancy I would go three times a week. And I was there at least 3 hours each time. Colton was such an angel!!! I know he would get bored just sitting there. But he would play with his toys or look at a magazine. He would never complain. And im over exaggerating about it either. The nurse thought he was the most well behaved child they have ever saw. There was no temper tantrum's thrown once. Sure he would say mom when are you going to be done, are we done yet. But he was really good about it. Im glad that he dosent hate me. I mean I knew he wouldnt. Kids always love there mom. But he was always with me. I know I turned his world upside down when I left. To him I was his whole world. But im glad that our special bond didnt break. He says he loves me more than before because he missed me so much. Caden... what can I say about my sweet little boy with the big heart? I feel so bad about stuff because he was older. He understood what was going on a lot more than Colton. Hes old enough to kind of realized that momma and daddy might not ever be back together. I think I hurt him more than Colton. Caden thinks about other people more than he does his own self. But when it came to wanting momma he wanted momma. He wanted me back and back together with his daddy. No ifs ands or buts about it. The guy I was dating... Caden would not even talk to him. He wasnt mean. He just didnt want anything to do with him. I dont blame him at all. He has only even known his mom and dad to be together. And he didnt want his life to change. I will never put my kids threw that again. Especially not Caden. Colton is more adaptable.

I didnt even mean to get that deep in to all that. Just kind of came out. I write what im thinking and feeling. It feels good. I havent done that in a long time. Its very theraputic. I started out thinking of Josh and writing about him. Then it swtiched to the boys. I guess thats how it is. Josh and the boys go hand in hand. They are my family. They are the parts of me that make me ME. That make my life worth living. There towards the end of last year I really thought about taking my life. After I came up to see the boys on halloween I really realized what I had done to my family. By this time Josh had got to the point in his life that he wasnt worried about us getting back together. He was moving on with his life. The kids were too. Caden wasnt even that mad that I was with Nate. He still didnt have anything to do with him but he just seemed like he didnt care one way or another anymore either. Just like his daddy. We all went back to Ash's after taking the kids trick or treating. I spent some time with the kids and they went to sleep. Then all the grown ups got drunk that night and I really dont remember that much. Nate said something like he was ready to go. And I remember not wanting to leave Josh. It makes me cry to just think about how it felt. I kept asking Josh to just tell me to stay and I would. I would of sent Nate own his merry way. But Josh was drunk too! But anyways... Me, Josh and Nate took this picture. Even though Josh & I hadnt been together in 9 months... my body automatically leaned towards him. Its like sub-concousilly my body new how to pose. UGH!! Im not explaining it right. I always thought all that was bullshit. But If you look at the picture you would know what I mean. Once I saw that picture it all put stuff in to focus for me. Im like APRIL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??? Josh is your life!! YOUR HEART! YOUR FAMILY!!! That man is everything to me. How did I live with out him for almost a year?? Why did I put him threw hell? I was selfish and stupid and plain out WRONG! But anyways. I guess I have wrote enough for right now. Till next time.

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